Notes from Diane

Dear Lord, Thank you for my cancer

Last Sunday in church, I did something I had never done before. It was a prayer I prayed in a way that I had never prayed before. It came after changes that God began making in me the preceding Friday.

The sermon that morning was about Jesus in the garden of Gethsemane. One verse from the passage stood out. “Father, if you are willing, please take this cup of suffering away from me. Yet, I want your will to be done, not mine.” I remember our pastor saying that we may each have a “cup of suffering” that we want God to take away. He challenged everyone to consider yielding to God’s will, no matter what our “cup” is. Early on, after the initial grief of my cancer diagnosis, I did yield to God’s will.

After the message and as we were served communion, our music team started singing Come the Morning. This song was written by our worship pastor and introduced in 2022, along with others songs, on an album published by our worship team. (You can find a link to Come the Morning on my music page.)

The song is one I still cling to. The first time I heard it I thought the lyrics were odd. It described running to Jesus while He was grieving in the garden of Gethsemane to give Him my burdens. But the lyrics became very important to me, along with many songs that became markers in my cancer journey.

The song taught me that I could give Jesus all I was carrying! He grieved in prayer facing His own death and He wants us to give Him our burdens as well. He can take them and give joy in return. I know this now! I realized that I wasn’t adding to the load He was carrying. He already felt the weight of my burden.

Tears came to my eyes as I heard the lyrics again. Our pastor’s wife saw my tears and asked if she could pray with me. She invited me to join her in kneeling at the front of the church. She prayed out loud for me. Then I prayed out loud and thanked God for my cancer. And I sincerely meant it!

An Old Testament story that recently came to mind was triggered by a comment made in a group discussion. Someone expressed their disbelief over the grumbling of the Israelites as they moved through the wilderness. The comment was something like: “How could they complain when they had seen so many miracles? They wanted to go back to Egypt to slavery. They didn’t want to go forward to the Promised Land.” And sadly, they didn’t get to go.

It was then that I realized that I am no different than the Israelites. I complain; I’m not satisfied; I’m picky. Wildernesses are different for each of us. My wilderness – cancer. My Egypt – my life before cancer.

I wouldn’t be where I am spiritually if I had not journeyed through what some would call a wilderness while seeing God at work in my life. I now have a relationship with God that I didn’t have before this cancer journey began.

Only Joshua and Caleb got to go forward and enjoy the Promised Land – only two out of maybe two million who wandered in the wilderness! And as Joshua went, God said: “Be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9 (NLT)

So… I choose to go forward! I don’t want to go back to my Egypt, where I was spiritually before this all began! I don’t want to die in a wilderness of not trusting God and His plans for me. I want to go forward into the place prepared for me. If this past week is just a small taste of what it will be like, I can’t wait! The joy He gives keeps pouring out to me day by day!

My prayer is that you will discover joy in your journey. And as you journey, rest in God’s promise that has become so special to me. “See, I am sending an angel before you to protect you on your journey and lead you safely to the place I have prepared for you.” Exodus 23:20 (NLT)

Love,

Diane

Reflections on a hard year

It’s been 10 months since I have written to all of you. I’ve wanted to write many times, but the words never seemed to come. (I don’t know how people write a blog – daily or weekly!) I have had this particular message on my heart and in my mind since April when I was reminded that a year had passed since my first chemotherapy treatment. Now it has been even longer. The surgery and treatments have worked so far. My June CT scan showed no evidence of cancer – not pain free, but cancer free.

During these months, music has continued to play a prominent part as a blessing, comfort, and encouragement as we continue on this journey. God continues to send me love songs! For example, our church’s worship leader, Jenny, wrote a series of songs that she released on a CD just when I needed them. The title of the album is Psalms from a Hard Year. The music is an expression of Jenny’s grief from the sudden passing of her mother.

Losing your health also causes you to grieve. The messages of Jenny’s songs have meant a lot to me in my grief.  I’ve clinged to many of the words in her lyrics from multiple melodies. Here are a few phrases from just two of the eleven songs on her CD:

Hard Year

‘It’s been a hard year, but You walked beside me all the way. And just like you say, your word has been a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path. When the grief came in wave after wave; precious Jesus your love stayed the same. Oh, how sweet to trust in Jesus, over and over and over.'

‘It was a hard year, but you walked beside me all the way. Wasn’t spared from the pain, but you were there when it came, you were there beside me, always right beside me. When the grief came in wave after wave; precious Jesus your love stayed the same. Oh, how sweet to trust in Jesus, over and over and over. I’ve proved you over and over and over.’

The Conversation

‘Don’t be afraid. Ok. Ok. Do not fear. Ok. Ok. I will not leave you abandoned. Ok. Ok. I’m with you always. Ok. Ok.’ 

‘But tell me again and again, when the darkness closes in, when I get distracted and forget. Ok? Remind me who I am. Remind me who You are. Oh, tell me again and again and again. Ok?’

Another example of a love song from God came at a special week-night meeting at our church. That evening followed a stressful day at the infusion center when my port didn’t respond to the nurse’s attempt to draw blood. But in the gathering at church, one of our worship leaders introduced a new song that he and another of our musicians had recently written. The title of the song is Surrounded by your Love. He sent me a recording and I’ve listened to it over and over. The chorus after each verse rings so true: “Don’t have to walk this road alone. Don’t have to make it on my own. Jesus, I know your hand will lead me on, until my race is run. I’m surrounded by your love.” It reminded me of Deuteronomy 31:8 which reads: “Do not be afraid or discouraged, for the LORD will personally go ahead of you. He will be with you; he will neither fail you nor abandon you.” (NLT)

I’m so grateful for the musicians I have come to know who continue to share their God-given gifts to bless us with scriptural truths.

In addition to music, prayer has been a continued blessing. Aubrey and I have started a prayer practice called Lectio 365. (It’s a free phone app.) On the night before my June CT scan, the scripture focus of our prayer time was Psalm 27 which begins: “The LORD is my light and my salvation — so why should I be afraid? The LORD is my fortress, protecting me from danger, so why should I tremble?”. The prayer time continued with a reminder of Joshua 1:9. “Be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.”

Thank you all for your prayers and expressions of love! I love you!

Diane

God knows my every need

I woke up Thursday overwhelmed, feeling sorry for myself. Even now, thinking of it again, brings a degree of sadness and joy at the same time. I’ll explain… There were some things I really wanted to do, but I don’t have the physical stamina. I was going to text a few friends to get support from them, but I decided to keep my feelings to myself, telling only God.

I sat down in my chair by the window and opened the shutters. I immediately noticed a beautiful butterfly just 5 feet away from me on my dwarf butterfly bush (which is still blooming.) This butterfly brought a huge smile to my face as I received comfort and love knowing it was from the Creator Himself. I shifted from feeling sorry for myself to listing my blessings. All day long, nearly every time I looked out the window, the butterfly was there. Sometimes there were two different ones, each with its own unique colorful pattern on its wings.

Later that day almost a week’s worth of mail arrived. (We had been out of town and had the mail held until we returned.) The mail included a card offering one of my favorite scriptures, Joshua 1:9. The card was another gift of encouragement and prayer support. It arrived just when I needed it.

Next, the lyrics of a song came to my mind.  The song, written and performed by Harvest, is titled Calvary. The words that spoke most strongly to me were “Brother, give no thought for what tomorrow it may bring. Your Father, He knows your heart; He knows your every need…” (Click here if you want to listen.)

Thank you so much for lifting me up in prayer! I couldn’t do this without your support and the Lord’s strength. For that reason, I’d like to end this note with a blessing for each of you, as found in Numbers 6:24-26. “May the LORD bless you and protect you; may the LORD smile on you and be gracious to you. May the LORD show you His favor and give you His peace.”

Gifts in the morning

Yesterday morning I had the second of the three planned chemo infusions following my August surgery. After coming home, I listened to music by Harvest, a Christian band that was a favorite of ours in the 80’s and 90’s. Click on any of the following titles to listen to music that was especially meaningful to me yesterday: Where Would I Be, Behold God, Almighty God, The Army of the Lord, and Be Strong and Courageous.

I slept well last night and woke this morning to multiple gifts from God! The first email I read was from a dear neighbor. Her email and expression of love was such an encouragement to me. When I sat down in my chair, God sent more signs of His Love for me – birds of all varieties were flying around my backyard and sitting on my bird feeders! There were cardinals, blue birds, finches, blue jays, mocking birds, a mourning dove, and a towhee! They all came and went in a matter of minutes, but they brought much delight to my soul. It was such a wonderful way to start another day of “unknowns.”

I keep smiling as I think of His gifts this morning! Aubrey and I know exactly what He was saying to us today! 

Even if You don't

Hello wonderful family and friends. Thank you for praying for us!

Before surgery, I was somewhat convinced I would die during the surgery. We had a sermon on heaven the week before surgery and considered that the timing of this message might confirm my expectations. I even wrote down some scriptures and songs for my funeral/memorial service. Even so, I was at peace. I decided I was ready for whatever happened.

During our pastor’s sermon a week after surgery, the song “Even If” by MercyMe came to mind. I immediately realized that the phrase “even if You don’t” was an expression of how I felt before surgery. I’ve been singing it over and over this week and wanted to share it with you. Click here to listen (after the ad 🫤 ) and/or read this portion of the lyrics below: 

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand.

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone.

I know the sorrow, and I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word.

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone.

You've been faithful, You've been good.

All of my days

Jesus, I will cling to You

Come what may

'Cause I know You're able.

I know You can.

I know You're able and I know You can

Save through the fire with Your mighty hand.

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone.

I know the sorrow, I know the hurt

Would all go away if You'd just say the word.

But even if You don't

My hope is You alone.

It is well with my soul.

It is well, it is well with my soul.

But I awoke from the anesthesia and was blessed beyond measure to learn of the amazing results of the surgery.

It’s been 12 days since I received this monumental gift from God. He had used the chemotherapy to eliminate cancer spots found by the CT scans and the original tumor was reduced in size! My surgeon kept saying, each day I was in the hospital, how pleased he was with the surgery. But recovery is slow and often discouraging.

I am a year older! My birthday celebration was spread over many days. I’m still spending most of my time in my recliner, but the living room has been transformed. I have several bouquets of flowers and several helium filled balloons. Lots of things to make me smile.

I have been showered with cards, website comments, email messages, Facebook messages, videos, phone calls, chocolate, and sung to multiple times. The list goes on and on! So many sent scripture to encourage me. I am humbled that so many are praying for me and how God has honored your requests in my life.

Scripture that has been particularly meaningful in the last two weeks include:

1 Timothy 1:17 (NLT) All honor and glory to God forever and ever! He is the eternal King, the unseen one who never dies; he alone is God. Amen.

Galatians 1:3-5 (NLT) May God the Father and our Lord Jesus Christ give you grace and peace. Jesus gave his life for our sins, just as God our Father planned, in order to rescue us from this evil world in which we live. All glory to God forever and ever! Amen.

Ephesians 3:20-21 (NIV) Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, for ever and ever! Amen.

On Tuesday, I have a follow-up appointment with the surgeon and on Wednesday I meet with the oncologist who will administer three more rounds of chemotherapy. Your continued prayers are appreciated. I love you all!

It’s not about me

Today was a day of miracles. Yesterday, we were in Holmes County, Ohio enjoying the serene countryside full of Amish farms. Preparing to leave the room for the day, I got a call from my surgeon expressing concern with my pre-operation chest x-ray. He said I needed to see my primary care doctor immediately! I explained I was out of town, but would contact my physician to see if I could get an appointment. I sent her a message and she called me immediately. We arranged for an appointment for this morning, so we packed and headed to Tennessee.

At today's appointment, my doctor told me that I needed to have an echocardiogram. She also said I would need to have a cardiologist clear me for the surgery. I was disappointed since I assumed it would take days or even weeks to accomplish two more appointments! I was wrong! The echocardiogram and the visit with a cardiologist took place within four hours of seeing my primary care physician -- three medical appointments in one day that hadn’t even been scheduled 24 hours earlier! Miracle upon miracle!

Recently, I have been reading a magazine that had several articles using Psalm 23. It is a very familiar song written by David. When I decided to read the entire psalm in multiple translations, verse 3 stood out to me. “He renews my life; He leads me along the right paths for His name’s sake.”

Since completing the appointments this morning I’ve been wondering why all of these events happened today. Why another change? Why more tests? What lesson is to be learned? What is God trying to teach us? 

I decided that this lesson was indeed for me. As I write this I just now remembered that I woke this morning extremely nervous, but with a tune and the lyrics of this chorus in my head: “You are worthy of it all. You are worthy of it all. For from you are all things, and to You are all things. You deserve the glory.” At the time I was conflicted. Why is my body saying one thing and my brain another?

I now understand the connection of the lyrics that were in my head this morning and the events of this day – He is worthy of it all! I needed today’s reminder that my life and my journey is for God’s name’s sake, bringing glory to Him. It’s not about me!

Unfailing Love

I read Psalm 42 today as part of a plan that helps me read through the Bible in a year.

The words in verse 5, and repeated again in verse 11,  were especially meaningful:

Why am I discouraged?

Why is my heart so sad?

I will put my hope in God!

I will praise him again-

my Savior and my God!

I also love verse 8:

But each day the LORD pours his unfailing love upon me,

and through each night I sing his songs,

praying to God who gives me life.

It is surprising and wonderful how God speaks to us personally through scriptures that we may have read many times before! It's as if He wrote these verses today and intended them just for me. I pray they bless you, too!

Never Alone

Joshua 1:9 (NLT) says: "This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the LORD your God is with you wherever you go."

This verse was just sent to me in a text message. How timely it was! I went to see my oncologist this morning. I admit I have been discouraged and maybe a little afraid of the next step he recommended, which is surgery that is potentially more extensive than I expected.

The good news is that the chemo did what it was supposed to do.  It shrunk the main tumor and even eradicated some spots. I have much to thank God for.  I needed to be reminded I am not alone.  God has been, is, and will always be with me wherever I go.

God's Ways
Upon arrival at the oncology center, we are assigned to an examination room to meet with the doctor or nurse practitioner to learn results of blood work and the plan for the week.  The picture above is of the wall in the room we were in this morning. Every room I have visited has a similar wall where patients are free to write their thoughts. Many people have posted Jeremiah 29:11 which says "'For I know the plans I have for you,' declares the LORD, 'plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.'" Today, as I waited for the NP, I pondered this verse. I know most people always focus on the positives of this verse and say that God always wants good things for us. I believe that is true. But I also believe that God’s ways are not our ways. His good for us is not always what we would call good. The Bible verse above is part of God’s message to His people, the southern kingdom of Judah, as they are being taken into captivity for seventy years! 

One of the best known followers of Jesus in the New Testament is Paul. Do you know much about his life? His story is in the New Testament book of Acts, but in 2 Corinthians 10 he describes some of his life as a follower of Jesus. 

"Five different times the Jewish leaders gave me thirty-nine lashes. Three times I was beaten with rods. Once I was stoned. Three times I was shipwrecked. Once I spent a whole night and a day adrift at sea. I have traveled on many long journeys. I have faced danger from rivers and from robbers. I have faced danger from my own people, the Jews, as well as from the Gentiles. I have faced danger in the cities, in the deserts, and on the seas. And I have faced danger from men who claim to be believers but are not."

Paul's life touched so many people, but he also suffered. Later in 2 Corinthians12, Paul penned words about how he had asked God repeatedly to remove something from his life, but God told Paul that His grace is sufficient. That grace is ALL we need for ALL we face. This was a favorite verse of mine when I experienced a cancer diagnosis almost fifty years ago. His grace is indeed abundant (one synonym I found.).

As I was trying to put my thoughts while in the exam room into words, the message in Laura Story’s song Blessings came to mind. You will find the link on my music page.

Family Matters

My third infusion will be Monday, June 5. We asked to have it postponed a week because of the memorial service for Aubrey’s sister, Phyllis, who died May 5. The memorial service is this Saturday, but I am not able to go. Family will begin traveling tomorrow from various places, and my niece will stay with me. I would appreciate your prayers for everyone’s safety, that traffic would be light, and airplanes would be on time.  Most of them will be traveling again Sunday. Thank you for praying for me and them!

Fear Visited Me

I woke up this morning feeling anxiety and deep oppression. It’s a feeling I haven’t had since the day before my first infusion. The absence of fear or depression is something I’ve attributed to your prayers for protection and God’s constant, personal, and direct reminders of His love for me. But today I felt fear and I was depressed.

My husband started playing the music that you’ll find on the web page he created, and I began to feel better listening to the scriptural truths expressed in the music. Then God spoke to me again! This time through an email.

I subscribe to an email newsletter from Max Lucado, but it’s been a long time since I have received his email. After breakfast I discovered a new email in my inbox and the message was exactly what I needed today. It’s worth your reading of the entire email that I’ve pasted below, but the Word that I needed to hear once again from my Heavenly Father is about halfway down.

“Don’t be afraid. Trust me.”

I appreciate your prayers that I will remember those words when fear visits me again. I love you all!

You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Psalm 139:5 (NLT)

Max Lucado:

Believe He Can

“Don’t be afraid; just believe.”

Mark 5:36

The presence of fear does not mean you have no faith. Fear visits everyone. Even Christ was afraid (Mark 14:33). But make your fear a visitor and not a resident. Hasn’t fear taken enough? Enough smiles? Chuckles? Restful nights, exuberant days? Meet your fears with faith.

Do what my father urged my brother and me to do. Summertime for the Lucado family always involved a trip from West Texas to the Rocky Mountains. (Think Purgatory to Paradise.) My dad loved to fish for trout on the edge of the white-water rivers. Yet he knew that the currents were dangerous and his sons could be careless. Upon arrival we’d scout out the safe places to cross the river. He’d walk us down the bank until we found a line of stable rocks. He was even known to add one or two to compensate for our short strides. As we watched, he’d test the stones, knowing if they held him, they’d hold us. Once on the other side, he’d signal for us to follow.

“Don’t be afraid,” he could have said. “Trust me.”

We children never needed coaxing. But we adults often do. Does a river of fear run between you and Jesus? Cross over to him.

Believe he can. Believe he cares.

Does the path ahead look uncertain, even frightening? Maybe this image will help. When a father leads his four-year-old son down a crowded street, he takes him by the hand and says, “Hold on to me.” He doesn’t say, “Memorize the map.” Or, “Take your chances dodging the traffic.” Or, “Let’s see if you can find your way home.” The good father gives the child one responsibility: “Hold on to my hand.” When fears threaten your faith, remember this:

You go before me and follow me. You place your hand of blessing on my head. Psalm 139:5 (NLT)

God’s advance preparation

I am convinced that God has prepared me in advance for this time in my life. Last August when a suspicious mass was first discovered in my omentum, I Googled what that might mean. That was a bad decision. (I would not recommend Googling health issues.) I was depressed as I read the article and remained depressed as I awaited results of a needle biopsy of the mass. The mass was benign, but I was told another CT scan would be done in January. The depressing news that I read online last August has now become a reality, but I am not depressed! I’m doing well as a result of God's advance preparation.

Here is a list of some of God’s preparation steps that I have seen:

In the fall, our church’s worship leaders came out with a CD that we could download. I immediately put it on my phone because I had heard some of the songs in the worship services. I’ve already mentioned I am a lyrics person and the lyrics spoke to me in brand new ways. I listened to the CD multiple times. (Click here if you'd like to listen to a few of these songs.)

Later, we signed up for a class on the Prayer of Examen. Spending time in contemplative prayer was a meaningful experience for each of us. It turned my thoughts each day to how God was present and the songs mentioned above taught me about expressing my deepest emotions to God.

Next, I participated in a two-day spiritual retreat that gave me the opportunity to spend dedicated time connecting with God. The retreat’s focus was on how much God loved me. I knew He did, but I came away equipped with scriptures and experiences that reinforced how much He did indeed love me. The CD that I mentioned above armed me with music that reinforced that concept. 

Two series of books by Sharon Garlough Brown were the perfect follow-up reading to the retreat and added to my spiritual preparation. They are fiction, but have many spiritual insights that reinforced those I had been learning.

Bible Study Fellowship has been part of my life for over thirty years. This year we have studied Old Testament Prophets. The messages from each week reinforced what I already knew about God and at the same time I had women I have been with for years sharing openly about their walks with God. The scriptures each week spoke directly to my diagnosis and me. There are too many to list.

The sermons at my church seem to be intended just for me. God keeps reinforcing Who He is and how I can trust Him, no matter how this journey ends.

So many are praying. The number increases almost daily. It’s wonderful to be prayed for and to be told someone is praying for you! I can feel the prayers. This peace can only be attributed to God.

Don’t worry about anything; instead, pray about everything. Tell God what you need, and thank him for all He has done. Then you will experience God’s peace, which exceeds anything we can understand. His peace will guard your hearts and minds as you live in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7 (NLT)

How can I keep from singing?

It’s been six weeks since my laparoscopy.  I was told that on this day I could do anything I felt like doing. Those were good words to hear at my follow up a week after surgery. Of course, there has been another “simple, short surgery” to put in a port and a chemo infusion.

I’m still mainly sitting in my recliner, but yesterday I ventured outside “to survey the crops “. That term comes from our neighbor on St. Simons Island.  The first thing he did after getting home from work each day was walk around his backyard looking at all his plants. We had beautiful yards, large water oaks and many plants that only grow that far south on an island. Many wonderful memories and friendships were made there. 

Actually, that’s not the message I wanted to convey today, just an anecdote. :-)

How Can I Keep from Singing? is a song that has been playing in my mind for the past week or so.  Music has been a huge part of my life, with an emphasis on Christian music and scripture songs. I’ve sung in choirs for most of my life.  I’m a “words” person, though. It’s the lyrics that capture me more than the melody. Of course it is the melody that helps me remember the lyrics. Songs play over and over in my mind. I don’t know how many of you can identify with “songs playing in your head”, but the lyricist of this old hymn did.  Here are a few of the verses:

My life goes on in endless song
Above earth's lamentations,
I hear the real, though far-off hymn
That hails a new creation.

Through all the tumult and the strife
I hear its music ringing,
It sounds an echo in my soul.
How can I keep from singing?

While though the tempest loudly roars,
I hear the truth, it liveth.
And though the darkness 'round me close,
Songs in the night it giveth.

No storm can shake my inmost calm,
While to that rock I'm clinging.
Since Christ is lord of heaven and earth
How can I keep from singing?

Zephaniah 3:17: The Lord your God in your midst, The Mighty One, will save; He will rejoice over you with gladness, He will quiet you with His love, He will rejoice over you with singing. (NKJV)

Love gifts from God

This is not something you haven’t been told before if you have lived as long as I have.  Actually, you don’t have to have lived as long as I to have been told to “be thankful for what you have”, or to “stop and smell the roses”, or just “slow down and live in the moment”.  Why does it take an unwelcome diagnosis to get our attention?

Yesterday and today I have spent a lot of hours just looking out a window while sitting in my recliner.  I sit a lot at a special place in Florida noticing cloud patterns, weather coming and going and observing wildlife. I call each of those love gifts from God. I’ve been reminded that the steadfast love of the Lord never changes. He’s been sending, and continues to send, His love gifts through so many people, but also directly to me in my own backyard. I don’t have to move from my chair!

There is a family of rabbits under one evergreen tree. There are all kinds of birds flying from tree to tree as well as visiting our bird feeder. Robins are common in Tennessee, but they seem more colorful this year. I even enjoyed the squirrel’s antics a few minutes ago.  The clouds have moved in and it’s supposed to rain, but that is also a special gift.

I suspect your special love gifts are different from mine, but I know God loves you and is sending gifts to you all day long.  Please, look for them. He’s telling you He loves you over and over if you’d just pay attention. 

Whatever is good and perfect is a gift coming down to us from God our Father. . .   James 1:17